28 June 2010

Stonehenge Apocalypse

So yesterday I watched an intriguingly titled film - Stonehenge Apocalypse...
Just take a minute to appreciate the gloriousness of that title: Stonehenge. Apocalypse.
Yep, ancient monuments are Evil and want to Kill You.
(And strangely this makes perfect sense within the context of the film...)

...there will be BIG spoilers, so look away now...

Done? Good. Hello sweeties....

Stonehenge Apocalypse is all kinds of terrible, but it's all kinds of fun too. Definitely one I'll be watching again if only to giggle, snark and occasionally drool at the lovely gentlemen who put themselves through the torture of being in it...

There's the scientist-in-charge who Will Not Listen to our brave hero until the Last Minute (and for Highlander TV fans, hello Methos, that's a lovely suit you're wearing...)

There's the scientist who Will Listen and gets to follow our hero on the madcap dash for the plot coupon (and for Stargate fans, hello Dr Weir*, what the hell was that accent supposed to be?)

Then there's our gallant hero - a prodigy turned fringe scientist with a radio show on all things weird, who is, quite naturally, laughed at for his theories until he is Proved Right (and for Supernatural fans, hello Castiel, and goodness, I didn't know it was possible for a pair of legs to be so...distracting... :-) )

There is also the last minute bonus addition of an apocalypse cult led by Castiel's BFF. Oops. Surprise!

But enough about the people, lets talk Evil Ancient Monuments!

Stonehenge moves. Yes. Moves. Round and round. And there's a glowy thing in the centre stone and somehow this all combines to a) kill anyone near it, and b) wake up the other Evil Monuments so they can kill people.

Of course you will have to get past the fact that it is quite possibly one of the worst CGI/imitation Stonehenges ever seen. And its first act of terror is to kill the tourists who are taking a guided tour through it. Yep. Through it. ::headdesk::

If you've never had the interesting experience of visiting the Evil Monument in question, perhaps I shoould make mention at this point that There Are No Guided Tours Through It! Because it's fenced off.** And there are signs and everything. People have to stand and stare from a safe distance and talk about how much smaller it is and why isn't there a waterfall because there was one in the photo in the brochure. (True story!)

Also, in Apocalypse-land, there is a nice convenient patch of trees and undergrowth right next to it, useful for purposes of hiding and watching the poor beleaguered army/scientist types trying to find out what the hell is going on.
(Er, no. Road. Teeny tiny visitors centre. Flat plains. Film peeps, at least attempt to do your research!)

But what of its Evil Monument friends? Well, I don't know how to break it to you, but they are secretly volcanoes. Yep. All those pyramids and temples across the world are hiding molten cores, and when Evil Stonehenge gives them a call, they pop their tops and cause mass destruction. (You have been warned.)

Apparently it's something to do with ancient terraforming and using a network of electromagnetic lines to do weird science. Or something. Don't ask. Just enjoy the spectacle of pyramids shifting like giant stone Transformers and spitting out lava.

Oh, and there's a Secret Pyramid buried under Maine that will rise up to protect people inside from the other Evil Monuments and their terraforming shenanigans.

And apparently the British Army all use left hand drive cars and can't be trusted to handle Evil Stonehenge on their own so the US military gets to come in and boss everyone around. And try and blow Stonehenge up. Twice.***

And the words "Stonehenge is a threat to national security" get used. (Or something very close to that.) Hee! Bad Stonehenge!

This film is such total bobbins. Must watch it again.

* Yes, I know, Dr Weir is not a gentleman, however she is one of the few female presences in the movie, and an Authentic Main Character, so worth mentioning.

** If, however, you do want to walk through a stone circle, might I recommend Avebury instead. It's awesome. Also there's a shop. And a pub. And other lovely things to see very close by.

*** Stonehenge Kicks Ass when attacked by naughty humans and their C4. Stonehenge vs Tactical Air Strike is undecided due to Gallant Hero and Plot Coupon interferance.

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