Resident Evil Rewatch

So, very recently I opened wide my gob and promised the fabulous Amanda Rutter of Floor to Ceiling Books a guest blog post on Alice from Resident Evil. (Which will be online tomorrow. Oo-er!) Now the Resident Evil films may have their flaws but I unashamedly love them anyway – and of all the films in the series, the first one remains my favourite. The Alice/Rain double act is a joy to behold, the visuals are glorious and it's extremely quotable.

But good lord, is it a tease with the set up. I was watching it for the seventy squillionth time the other day and after the verrrrry slow sequence of dude in the haz-mat suit playing with twisty test tubes (and what is it with the twisty test tubes? How is that a sensible design feature?) realised it's thirty seven minutes until you get some actual zombie action! (But then I have the patience of someone with not very much patience so those thirty seven minutes were looooong ones.)

My brain went a little something like this:

00:03:55 - Uh oh, it’s fire drill time. Counting down to total carnage…

00:05:40 – Aaaaand this is why the lifts in convention hotels make me nervous.

00:06:25 – Woah, wait, how is this is the first time I’ve noticed how very identical the suits are that the office drones are wearing. Say bye bye, office drones.

00:07:30 – Nooooooo, silly woman, don’t try and squeeze out of the lift! And, seriously, how on earth do you think you’re getting through that teeny tiny hole anyway? Behave.

00:08:09 – Splat! I'm so not going near the Fcon lifts.

00:08:12 - Enter Leeloo Multipass! In the obligatory nekkid Milla shot.

00:10:30 – Don’t mess with the Milla, she keeps guns in her undie drawer.

00:11:35 - Eeep. There is a Weeping Angel under that there plastic. Do not blink!

00:12:55 - Finally, some excitement! SWAT is in da house!

00:14:40 – Yay, it’s the train from the games! Have to say, one of the things I do love about this film (and something that wasn’t quite followed up so much in the later films) is all the video game elements. The computer vision and map segments are particularly good touches, and the disappearing bodies, while possibly a smidge illogical in places, are a great nod to the magically disappearing corpses in the games.

00:19:30 – Infodump time! With handy computer graphics. Everything is fake and classified, just so you know.

00:22:18 - Okay, that whole underground aboveground office view with bonus traffic noise thing is just disturbing.

00:24:16 – Mermaid! Undead mermaid! Undead mermaid in a lab coat!

(1)

00:29:35 - Uh oh, the Corridor of Doom! Do not enter the Corridor of Doom. No matter how shiny it looks. And especially do not enter it when you’ve just said how you’re going to fry the crazy AI at the other end of it.

00:32:00 - Colin Salmon is such a badass. (Alas, he is now a cubed badass.)



00:35:15 - ‘You’re all going to die down here.’ Love that line!

Plot hole, though. So, there you are, able to actually ask the crazy AI why she killed off a whole facility full of people and at this point, not one person asks the question? Or attempts to get any information about the incident out of her at all? Hello? Anyone? (Also, calling the Red Queen a crazy AI does, technically, do her a bit of a disservice as the whole facility lock down thing was perfectly logical given the insane communicability of the T-virus. Though she can totally put the crazy pants back on later when she unleashes the Licker…)

00:37:35 - Fiiiiiiinally, some zombie action!


00:38:45 ‘We found a survivor.’ ‘And you shot him?’ Hah!

00:40:00 - Bring on the zombie hoards!

00:46:55 - And this is why I hate dogs - I remain secretly convinced that behind every fluffy puppy is one of these waiting to rip your throat out. Now if I could just learn to do that very awesome running up a wall kick move…



00:56:00 – Annnnnnd, finally they start asking the very sensible questions…

00:59:50 - Alice kicks ass, as only Alice can.

01:02:00 – Pipe walking over the zombie hoards. See, this? Is exactly what you need during a zombie apocalypse. Stay above them! (Unless there's a Licker nearby, then you're screwed.)

01:06:18 – ‘When I get out of here, I think I’m gonna get laid.’ ‘Yeah. You might wanna clean up a little bit first.’ Hah!

01:10:30 – And this is why you never put your gun down on random tables…

01:12:01 – And this is why you shouldn’t indulge in evil overlord monologues…

01:14:12 – The Red Queen’s been a bad, bad girl. And has now got her crazy pants well and truly on. (And, incidentally, is it me or does Spence look just a little too professional at the shooting up thing. Umbrella are really not doing their background checks are they?)



01:18:18 - And is there any logical reason why you would have a bunch of random metal poles just hanging from the middle of your cargo train? Really? (Apart from the obvious monster killing usage?)

01:20:54 – ‘I’m not dead yet.’ (Alas, poor Rain, don't speak too soon...)

01:25:34 – They’re coming to take you away… (eeew, tentacle arm!)

01:28:24 - Luckily being head of security for the Hive means knowing how to disable the very expensive high tech locks with only a medical needle thingy. (While wearing only two bits of strategically placed paper held together with string.)

01:29:15 – And yet, somehow, that very empty hospital hallway is even creepier than if it had been filled with bodies…

01:29:43 - Okay, I do get the sly reference, but seriously though, when, during their zombie apocalypse, did they have time to put out a newspaper detailing it? Would they not have been a bit busy with the whole screaming in terror and eating of brainzzzzz?

Ah logic, we knew you not. Never mind, in the next one there's more ass-kicking, the legendary (oh yes it is) motorbike scene and the delectable Oded Fehr...


(1) Pic from http://www.cinemorgue.com/annabolt.html

Stonehenge Apocalypse

So yesterday I watched an intriguingly titled film - Stonehenge Apocalypse...
Just take a minute to appreciate the gloriousness of that title: Stonehenge. Apocalypse.
Yep, ancient monuments are Evil and want to Kill You.
(And strangely this makes perfect sense within the context of the film...)

...there will be BIG spoilers, so look away now...

Done? Good. Hello sweeties....

Stonehenge Apocalypse is all kinds of terrible, but it's all kinds of fun too. Definitely one I'll be watching again if only to giggle, snark and occasionally drool at the lovely gentlemen who put themselves through the torture of being in it...

There's the scientist-in-charge who Will Not Listen to our brave hero until the Last Minute (and for Highlander TV fans, hello Methos, that's a lovely suit you're wearing...)

There's the scientist who Will Listen and gets to follow our hero on the madcap dash for the plot coupon (and for Stargate fans, hello Dr Weir*, what the hell was that accent supposed to be?)

Then there's our gallant hero - a prodigy turned fringe scientist with a radio show on all things weird, who is, quite naturally, laughed at for his theories until he is Proved Right (and for Supernatural fans, hello Castiel, and goodness, I didn't know it was possible for a pair of legs to be so...distracting... :-) )

There is also the last minute bonus addition of an apocalypse cult led by Castiel's BFF. Oops. Surprise!

But enough about the people, lets talk Evil Ancient Monuments!

Stonehenge moves. Yes. Moves. Round and round. And there's a glowy thing in the centre stone and somehow this all combines to a) kill anyone near it, and b) wake up the other Evil Monuments so they can kill people.

Of course you will have to get past the fact that it is quite possibly one of the worst CGI/imitation Stonehenges ever seen. And its first act of terror is to kill the tourists who are taking a guided tour through it. Yep. Through it. ::headdesk::

If you've never had the interesting experience of visiting the Evil Monument in question, perhaps I shoould make mention at this point that There Are No Guided Tours Through It! Because it's fenced off.** And there are signs and everything. People have to stand and stare from a safe distance and talk about how much smaller it is and why isn't there a waterfall because there was one in the photo in the brochure. (True story!)

Also, in Apocalypse-land, there is a nice convenient patch of trees and undergrowth right next to it, useful for purposes of hiding and watching the poor beleaguered army/scientist types trying to find out what the hell is going on.
(Er, no. Road. Teeny tiny visitors centre. Flat plains. Film peeps, at least attempt to do your research!)

But what of its Evil Monument friends? Well, I don't know how to break it to you, but they are secretly volcanoes. Yep. All those pyramids and temples across the world are hiding molten cores, and when Evil Stonehenge gives them a call, they pop their tops and cause mass destruction. (You have been warned.)

Apparently it's something to do with ancient terraforming and using a network of electromagnetic lines to do weird science. Or something. Don't ask. Just enjoy the spectacle of pyramids shifting like giant stone Transformers and spitting out lava.

Oh, and there's a Secret Pyramid buried under Maine that will rise up to protect people inside from the other Evil Monuments and their terraforming shenanigans.

And apparently the British Army all use left hand drive cars and can't be trusted to handle Evil Stonehenge on their own so the US military gets to come in and boss everyone around. And try and blow Stonehenge up. Twice.***

And the words "Stonehenge is a threat to national security" get used. (Or something very close to that.) Hee! Bad Stonehenge!

This film is such total bobbins. Must watch it again.


* Yes, I know, Dr Weir is not a gentleman, however she is one of the few female presences in the movie, and an Authentic Main Character, so worth mentioning.

** If, however, you do want to walk through a stone circle, might I recommend Avebury instead. It's awesome. Also there's a shop. And a pub. And other lovely things to see very close by.

*** Stonehenge Kicks Ass when attacked by naughty humans and their C4. Stonehenge vs Tactical Air Strike is undecided due to Gallant Hero and Plot Coupon interferance.